Nature’s Television

If you’re anything like me, and I think you are, then you like clapping as much as the next guy.  Well, me too.  Since we’re all in the same boat, here’s a list of the top bunch of things that make you, no me, no US clap!

1. Good Times.  Whether they be with friends, family members, lovers, new friends or cousins, good times are always an occasion to touch palms repeatedly!

2. Joke Aftermath.  Some jokes are jokes.  Some jokes, however, are brilliant.  To truly show your delight with another’s comedic genius, as it were, try making sounds with your hands if you have them.  This is called a “clap” or “clapping”.  He’ll know what you mean!

3. Encouragement.  Some people can finish races, be they literal or figurative, without support, like us!  But some people who aren’t as good as us need a little encouragement.  The slap slap sound created by clapping might be just the ticket for these simps.  Not to get political, but as superior people it is our job to encourage losers.

4. Play or Concert Conclusion.  Let’s face it, whether you liked a play or not, it’s appropriate to clap at the end so as to not stand out in the crowd.  Sometimes you’ll even be compelled to stand in what is called a “standing ovation”.

5. Athletics.  Athletes are often encouraged by sounds.  One such sound is the created by banging one’s hands together and banging them together again and again and again.  This sound is called a “clapping sound”.  Sporting events are a good place to encourage your favorite athletes.

Man, it’s hot out.  How hot?  So hot I want to spell “hot” H-O-T-T with two T’s.  Hot.  Here are some fun ways to stay un-hot when the weather is hot:

“I do Nick Nolte impressions to stay cool!  And I do — both temperature-wise and hipness-wise.” – Shane

“I read my glasses and carry a book!  I also hide my pit stains under a black cloak.” – Lawyer Joke Punchline

 ”When it is warm-warm, I like to take bags of money and stray gold pieces for walks.” – Business Woman with a Nice Hairdo and a Jacket Dress

 “We take tours of charity museums!  A/C graciously donated by generous millionaires!” – Interracial Family

“I look at pictures of houses like a stupid idiot.” – Woman

  ”I keep cool by painting horses!” – Handicapable Minority Child

A business card is a simple and elegant way to be remembered in a professional environment.  But, all too often, “handers” of cards make poor design selections, leaving a lasting, negative impression on the recipient.

Don’t let your sales suffer because of poorly designed business cards!  Follow these 5 easy design tips to success!

1. COLOR.  Pick a simple color for paper stock and ink.  Black ink on white paper is a classic choice!

2. PAPER STOCK.  Be sure to pick a paper stock that is substantial.  “A flimsy business card is worse than a weak handshake,” cautions Interview Consultant  and social scientist A. Elizabeth Tomsczech, PhD.

3. SIMPLICITY.  The simpler the design the better.  Remember the KISS approach:  Keep It Simple St*pid!

4. SIZE.  Standard business cards are 2 inches by 3.5 inches (appx. 9 centimeters by 5 centimeters).   Tomsczech warns, “size counts [where] business cards are concerned.”

5. SPEAK UP.  If the business cards your company provides are lacking in any of the above ways (or if they are just plain ugly), speak up and demand a nicer card.  Don’t worry, your boss will thank you in the long run when he sees all the new business your new cards bring in.

Good luck and happy handing!

If you’re like me, you buy all your groceries at 7-11, and you know what that means … bags, bags, bags! What do we do with all those bags! Well don’t just throw those bags away, try these great tips!

1. Its now May, which means Halloween is just around the corner. Why not take those old plastic bags and make a great Ghost Costume for your kids! Don’t forget to poke a hole it it so they can breathe!

2. Kill two birds with one stone with this helpful suggestion: if you are in the medical field, fight the rising cost of medical care by using those old plastic bags instead of sterile rubber gloves! If you are not in a medical field, next time you are rushing to the emergency room…don’t forget the bags!

3. We all hear about how those old bags get thrown out, wind up in the oceans, and kill beautiful sea turtles because the beautiful sea turtles think the bags are food. Well, they only do this because no one told them not to! The solution: grab those old bags, head down to the local marine-life sanctuary and teach those beautiful sea turtles not to eat bags! They say “give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day, teach a man to fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime,” well the same thing works for beautiful sea turtles and old bags but in the reverse!

4. If none of those suggestions “suit” you, here’s another great DIY solution to combat another one of today’s BIG problems: fight high prices at the pump by fashioning your own protective suit out of plastic bags and drilling for your own oil! Keep checking www.naturestelevision.com for great ways to find oil in your very own neighborhood!

5. You know how you keep telling your friends that increased global warming greenhouse gases caused by huge amounts of pollution caused by greater consumerism in developing countries is the “elephant in the living room” of the spread of democracy throughout the world through capitalism, well, what better way to make a great “talking point” by creating a large elephant sculpture out of old bags and putting it in your friend’s living room!

6. And if all those suggestions don’t fit your fancy, why not just give those old bags to a homeless person and leave recycling to the experts!

DISCLAIMER: ANY “ADVICE” ON THIS SITE IS INTENDED FOR PURELY COMEDIC PURPOSES, PLEASE DO NOT PUT A PLASTIC BAG ON YOUR KID’S HEAD.

Robert F. Kennedy, Jr. said (something like), “Some people see the world as it is and ask, ‘Why?’  Others dream of the world as it might be and ask, “Why Not?’”

Nature’s Television editors and readers alike believe that we should be a nation of dreamers, setting and realizing goals, all the while becoming better people.  While the setting and realizing of goals can be daunting, Nature’s Television has loads of experience doing same (see http://naturestelevision.wordpress.com/2008/05/03/tawkin-9-to-5/ for a definition of “same”).  We carefully have reviewed our experience and broken the process down into six manageable nuggets.

1. GOAL SIZE. Goals range in size from small to large.  Small goals include things like running in a 5K, raising $20 for a charity of your choice, and saying hello to your cute neighbor; whereas, large goals include things like running in a marathon, raising more than $20 for a charity of your choice, and having sex with your cute neighbor.  Of course, all goals don’t fit neatly into those two categories — large and small.  Some “medium-sized” goals might include running in a 10K or half marathon, raising a little bit more than $20 for a charity of your choice, and taking your cute neighbor out for a steak dinner.  Just like investment professionals make thousands of dollars by “diversifying” their portfolios of investments, you can make great “life strides” by “diversifying” your goals!  In other words, pick a few goals of different sizes.

2. KINDS. There are all different kinds, or “types”, of goals.  Some goals are focused on the self (e.g., Uther’s goal is to lose 10 pounds by Labor Day), and some goals are focused on others (e.g., Mrs. Arberlene’s goal is to teach her third grade class about suspension bridges).  You will have to figure out what kinds of goals work for you, but try to pick a variety.  Just like prominent athletes (e.g., Andy Roddick) stay healthy by eating meals consisting of different kinds of foods from the different food groups, you will be well served by setting different kinds of goals.

3. VS. RESOLUTIONS. Resolutions, as compared to goals, are generally broader.  Resolutions might include things like running more, raising money for charity, and getting to know your cute neighbor.  Moreover, you can set goals to help achieve a resolution.  For instance, suppose you resolve to start a family in 2009 (that is your resolution), your goal might be to get pregnant in Q4, 2008.  Oftentimes, people make resolutions around New Years, and are shy to create new ones as the year progresses.  Goals, however, do not carry the “once-a-year at New Years” stigma, and should be set oftener!

4. INTROSPECTION. “Intro” means “in” and “spect” means “to see” (like spectacles).  So, introspection literally means the act of seeing inside.  Same is critical to selecting goals of the right size and kind for you.  You must look inside yourself, or “introspect”, to see where you need improvement.  Once you do so, you can set a goal that, once achieved, will lead to that improvement.  E.g., after some introspection, Dorie realized that she regretted never becoming a photographer, so she set a goal for herself of taking and developing at least one roll of film per week.  E.g., after reading an article about the meat industry in a newspaper, Archer introspected and realized that he no longer wished to eat meat, so he set a goal for himself of becoming a vegetarian.  Studies conducted by social scientists have shown that people are more likely to meet their goals if the goals are meaningful to them; however, the same studies have shown that people are less likely to meet their goals if the goals are selected arbitrarily or in an arbitrary manner.

5. MOTIVATION. There’s a reason that “motivation” is a billion dollar industry in the United States.  It’s because most Americans rely on others to do what they are afraid they cannot do themselves.  But, you don’t need to send away for $39.99 of tapes or attend a $180 (food inclusive) seminar at the local Radisson to get motivated, because you have it in you already!  If achieving your goal isn’t reward enough in and of itself, reward yourself with something that is.  An easy trick is to phrase your goal in an “if then” statement, which is to say if you achieve your goal, then you get your reward.  E.g., if Diane cleans out her purse, then she can eat an ice cream cone.  Parents, on TV and in real life, do this with children all the time!  So, be your own parent and child, reward yourself for a job well done, and get motivated!

6. STICKTOITIVENESS. The most important thing to achieving your goal is having what Nature’s Television likes to call “sticktoitiveness”.  In other words, follow through, follow through, follow through!  Goals aren’t always easy to achieve, but, hey, that’s why they’re goals!  If goals were easy to achieve, they’d be realities (and not goals)!  So, even if the going gets tough, and it probably will, stick with it.  Of course, there are situations where goals should be dropped, like in the face of imminent danger.  E.g., Craig set a goal to stay married to Laurie, but Laurie started to verbally and physically abuse Craig, in which instance, Craig aught to drop his goal and divorce Laurie.  Craig would not be a failure for dropping his goal because he was in danger of being hurt physically and emotionally.  However, e.g., Theresa set a goal to repaint her guestroom before her parents arrived in 3 days, but her friend Marlene invited her to go out for peartinis, in which instance Theresa aught not to drop her painting plans and “party” with Marlene.  Theresa would be a failure for “getting buzzed” with Marlene instead of painting her guestroom because she was not in danger of being injured.

As free-thinking humans, we have the remarkable ability to set and achieve our goals, all the while becoming better people!  If you struggle to meet your goals, just follow the six simple steps above.  Good luck goal-setting and make RFK, Jr. (and yourself) proud!!!

Surviving in the concrete jungle can be tough!  But, 85% of survival is knowing the right thing to say at the right time.  To help you navigate those trecherous business casual waters, Nature’s Television brings you a glossary of 10 business terms and phrases you must know.  Put them to good use!

1. TIOTE: An abbreviation for “time is of the essence” that is similar in meaning to “ASAP”.  Use “TIOTE” to indicate that you require an immediate response.

E.g., Mass Company E-mail: Please pardon the interruption.  Important client’s daughter was put on the waitlist at Lehigh University.  Please advise if you have any high level contacts who can help in admissions.  TIOTE.

2. SAME: A quick, dirty and delightfully elegant (in a business manner) way to refer back to the immediately preceding idea.  Use “same” when you don’t want to re-type or re-say such immediately preceding idea (or, as it were, same!).

E.g., E-mail: Hi Bonnie.  Carl and I are going to have lunch at Panda Express at noon.  Let me know if you would like to join us for same.

 3. THX: An abbreviation for “Thanks” used in e-mail and texts.  Use “Thx” when you simply do not have the time to type “Thank you” or when you are not actually grateful.

E.g., E-mail: Carla, at your request, attached please find a PDF proof for the new Crayola print campaign.

E-mail Reply: Thx.

4. DELIVERABLE(S): Something one is required to produce and provide.  Use “deliverable” to elevate “thing” to a business level.

E.g., Conversation:

Andy: Darren, I believe you still owe me several deliverables regarding the McCoombs file.

Darren: That’s right, Andy.  I owe you a few things, including a memo on George McCoombs’ profits and losses for 2007, an e-mail overview of the family’s insurance coverage, and a summary of my conversation with Janet McCoombs from early today.  I anticipate getting you such deliverables no latter than COB (editor’s note: “COB” is an abbreviation for “close of business”, meaning the end of the work day, typically 5pm) today.

 5. CIRCLE BACK or CIRCLE THE WAGONS: Expressions meaning to reconvene at a later time to discuss a specific matter.  “Circle back” and “circle the wagons” share a similar with “touch base” (which did not make our list).  Use either of them to indicate that follow-up is necessary, but the onus of following-up is on all parties.

E.g., End of a Conference Call:

Call Host: This was a lot of great new information.  I’ll speak with Bette.  Once she has the opportunity digest this, we all should circle the wagons to see where things actually stand.

Sharon: Sounds good.  We’ll circle back no later than early next week.

 6. MATERNITY LEAVE: Term used to describe the period of time a woman takes off of work, be it paid or unpaid, after giving birth to allow her time to bond with the baby.  Use “maternity leave” to describe such situation in a politically correct and unoffensive matter.

E.g., Break Room Conversation:

Julien: I haven’t seen Audrey for some days now.  Do you know where she is?

Charlie: She had a baby, and is out on maternity leave for a few months.

Julien: Tremendous.

7. S/HE or (S)HE: A pronoun showing sensitivity to masculine/feminine gender bias.  Use “s/he” or “(s)he” when you are seeking a neuter pronoun, but are referring to a person and cannot, therefore, use “it”.

E.g., Mass Company E-mail: Will the person who keeps dumping salt into my bok choy salad in the break room refrigerator please stop?  S/he is ruining my lunch.  Thx.

8. PLEASE HANDLE: A quick, dirty and delightfully elegant way to tell a subordinate that the work referenced (usually below in an e-mail) is his/her responsibility.  “Please handle” is related to “take ownership of a project” and “run with the ball”, neither of which made our list.  It is used when the speaker would like the recipient to do the work, no questions asked, and advise the speaker when such work has been completed.

E.g., Forwarded E-mail:

Garth,  please handle.

———–

Jerome, when do you anticipate forwarding the RFP for the new account we discussed this morning?

9. WHO JUST JOINED? or DID SOMEONE JUST JOIN?: Related phrases used on conference calls, often heard back-to-back, to query whether and who most recently “dialed in” to the call.  Use “Who just joined?” and “Did someone just join?” when you are on a call and you hear the <<beep, beep>> indicating that  a new call participant is on the line.

E.g., Conference Call:

Host: Hi, the gals from GermCo are on the line.

Sandy: Hi Gail.  It’s Sandy from Elite Marke-

<<beep, beep>>

Sandy (cont.): ting.

Host: Who just joined?

<<silence>>

Host: Did someone just join?

10. THIS IS [NAME]: A phone greeting showing professionalism and personality.  Use “This is [NAME]” instead of “Hello” to demonstrate that you are a busy professional.

E.g., Phone Call:

Xander: This is Xander.

Claire: Hi Xander.  This is Claire from Tophat Executive Recruiting Company.  Would you like to hear about some opportunities that I think you’ll find intriguing?

With these business terms and phrases in tow, you’re sure to impress.  So, get out there and start using same!

Don’t be left “in” in the dark this summer!  The summer is nearly upon us, but you still have time to stock up on these 10 summer essentials to help you enjoy the great outdoors.

1. SUNGLASSES.  Not only do sunglasses make you look cool, but they also can protect your eyes from harmful UV rays.  Get a pair with polarized lenses to really help your vision pop!

2. SHORTS.  Shorts are the perfect remedy for those warm months when it is just too hot for pants.  Shorts vary in length, color and style.  Get a fun pair in a color or pattern you like, and hit the town center.

3. ICE CREAM.  When the weather is warm, ice cream, which is a cold dessert, is the perfect treat!  Be careful, though, because ice cream is made from milk.  If you are lactose intolerant, try a frozen ice or slurpie instead!

4. TEE-SHIRTS.  Tee-shirts are like shorts (see Summer Must Have No. 2) for the torso.  From pocket to v-neck, tee-shirts come in all sorts of styles.  You really can go wild expressing yourself! (And we suggest you do.)  With tee-shirts, you simply can’t go wrong!

5. DIVERSITY.  Nothing beats a diverse group of friends with whom to spend some quality outdoor time.  If your group doesn’t resemble a Benetton advertisement, trade in Jen for a Priya, and hit the beach!

6. SANDALS.  The dictionary defines “sandal” as a shoe consisting of a sole strapped to the foot (www.m-w.com).  We think “sandal” defines summer fun and elegance!  Throw on a pair, and enjoy some ice cream (see Summer Must Have No. 3) at an outdoor mall.

7. BATHING SUIT.  Bathing suits are clothes for the water, because they are made of material that dries faster than street clothes.  They come in a number of stylish options.  Pick one that really suits your body type.  Remember, thin, fit people look good in most bathing suits.  If you aren’t thin or fit, you may struggle to find “swimwear” you feel comfortable wearing.  If you can’t find one, just wear a black tee-shirt (see Summer Must Have No. 4) and jeans in the pool, and tell your friends you forgot your swimsuit at home.

8. POSITIVITY.  Nothing beats a positive attitude when summer fun is involved!  Staying upbeat ensures a good “summertime”!

9. GUM.  Gum is truly an all season treat, but it is especially nice in the summer months.  Enjoy a stick in wintergreen, cinnamon, blue mint, or any of the fruity bubblegum flavors!

10. DEODORANT.  It gets hot in the summer, people!  The last thing you want is to stink of yucky B.O. (body odor).  Fight this nasty beast with a good deodorant.  Some deodorants — be it spray, stick or gel – come with sweat-fighting abilities.  Ask your pharmacist or CVS employee for a suggestion if you are struggling with the myriad of options.

HAVE FUN OUT THERE!